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Last week, we discussed the first two steps of creating community. The first step mentioned was to ask yourself what needs you have, both perceived and real needs. The second step was to acknowledge what season you are in. 1. The Third Step: SO, THE NEXT THING IS, “WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR HAND??? “Seek out what you need but give what you can. The next phase of this conversation is to concentrate on what you CAN offer. There will be seasons like I mentioned above when you have extreme need. Yes, you will need to seek out assistance or friendship for yourself at times. But remember the best friend who took all my children for a few days? What if YOU can be that best friend? There are things you CAN do in the season you are in. Even if you feel stuck at home, even if you are homebound, even if you are nursing, even if you are homeschooling, even if you are working…even if you expect others to offer you community, you can be intentional about doing your part to create community. Susan Miller, again, says, “It begins with you!” Could you send a real note in the mail to that new gal you met who needs a lift? Write a note, and actually sign it, post a stamp, and send it out during naptime. What if you are baking cookies, and you decide that you have 6 extra cookies to spare to offer that new neighbor next door on a paper plate? What are you already doing in your day that you could offer to another? If you are already making dinner, double the recipe and stick one in the freezer so you can give it away. The next time someone has a death in the family, or a baby is born, food will be ready. You won’t necessarily have time to bake each time you hear about something, but the freezer is wonderful. Keep something homemade or store-bought there all the time. ALL THE TIME. It is the best and easiest gift to give when you find the right moment. And the most fun moment is when a friend drops by unannounced and all you need to do is put the plate of frozen cookies in the microwave on defrost and heat up some water for tea. And this is an easy one – when you are at the grocery store, call that new friend and ask if you can pick up something for them while you are out. Amazing! What if you don’t bake? Do you draw? Write beautifully? Sew? Paint? One of my most precious gifts from a friend was a hand painted watercolor bookmark. I think of her every time I read the book it’s in. It cost her time, but not much money – but I love it because it connects me to her heart and our friendship. What about the real telephone? When you are nursing, pick up the phone and actually call that old neighbor you miss a few states over. The one who cried when you said goodbye? The best friend who was really hard to leave? Taking moments to offer friendship and connection in these simple moments doesn’t have to take long, either. It might be that you only have 5 minutes. Well, you know what? I say so! Tell them when they first pick up that you only have 5 minutes. Catch them up for 2, and then ask them to take 2 to share about their life, and make sure lastly to have a plan to connect again soon. One important side note here: Friends from other seasons of life can still offer you community NOW. If you are having trouble finding that deepest, heartfelt friend here in town, or now during COVID, call up one who knows your heart. Be real. Be transparent. Share the trials or the joys. Daily community doesn’t have to be someone present in your living room. It can be a simple connection with someone across any number of miles. My dearest and best friends, two of them, are from college and from Louisiana. I never thought I would still have long conversations and encouragement and wise advice from someone I only see every couple of years. But I INVEST in those relationships, because I can TRUST them. I make myself take time to ask how they are doing…to listen to them for a while. And they, in turn, call me once in a while and really listen. So, consider what you have in your hand. Sometimes you have little to no energy but give what is in you. As a military wife alone in Texas, after that first miscarriage, I had a little two-year old son who loved the old couple next door – Joe and Ines. They lived about 30 feet down the sidewalk in the next rancher over. What I had in my hand was grief, but also a delightful son – and they loved him with a passion. Sometimes, I would stand at my front door, tell Alex to go down the sidewalk and to knock on their door. Then Joe would open the door, say, “COME IN THIS HOUSE,” and he would bring delight and smiles to their hearts for a few minutes. The tips I’ve shared are simple, practical tips for offering community, creating friendships, being a friend. I’d like to highly recommend the book I referenced earlier – Susan Miller’s book called After the Boxes are Unpacked. She makes a list at the end of every chapter called “Unpack your Survival Box.” Tips that I suggest you try are in her book and include the following:
Let me tell you one final story. I was in a summer volunteer job in Dallas, Texas, at the Summer Institute of Linguistics. I was living far away from home in Virginia, but I found out my younger brother was flying through DFW airport on his way to a summer internship in Mexico. An adult student at the center offered to take me to the airport terminal to say a quick hi to my brother on his layover. I tried to pay her $10 for gas, but she wouldn’t hear of it. She said, “I felt like God said I’m supposed to take you to the airport, so don’t take away my opportunity to be a blessing to you.” Did it occur to you that in some seasons, others are just waiting to be a blessing to you? And in other seasons, maybe one just around the corner, you are going to be able to be a huge blessing to someone else? Look for ways to ask for help, and then look for ways to be a help. Look for ways to be a friend, and then also look for ways to allow someone to be a friend to you. Lots of us at PCC have found that by being in a regular, weekly community called Home Group allows us to do life together. Once in a while, we hear of a need someone has, and another in the group has the means to meet it. Another time, we might share a need and be shocked by how the whole group steps up to serve us. Last September I listened to a new podcast by a friend of mine, Stephanie Pletka. It was on the topic of “What is Life without Community?” Her guest said, “Don’t give up, if you are waiting for a friend. And while you are looking, create a warm and peaceful environment.” You will be ready when the opportunity comes. She also added something I mentioned earlier, “Have friends in multiple stages of life,
Be intentional about finding your tribe, love them, and be loved. The investment is worth it. IN SUMMARY You are in a particular season of your journey through life. What you do and how you do it matters. A t-shirt I bought while hiking the Grand Canyon in college says, “The journey is the reward.” This journey is lifelong. Don’t forget that where you are right now is not where you will be forever. Each part of life, each season you are in, is temporary. The two points to remember are these: Accept the season are you in. Seek out what you need but give what you can. What can you do right now to create a small bit of community in your own sphere? As Elisabeth Elliott often quoted, “Do the next thing.” Take steps today to implement some of the things you have learned today to create community and enjoy the reward – the journey itself is the reward. ___________________ RESOURCES Susan Miller: After the Boxes are Unpacked, Just Moved Ministry, blog, and podcast “Hope for the Uprooted Woman” Sally Clarkson: The Mission of Motherhood, The Life-Giving Parent, and her new book, Help, I’m Drowning, Sally Clarkson has a “Home with Sally” podcast, a blog, and many other resources Stephanie Pletka: Living Your Best Life: Letting Go of Self-Doubt, Fear, and Other’s Expectations to Live the Life You’ve Always Dreamed, “Mother Mindset” podcast Connie Albers: Parenting Beyond the Rules, blog, “Equipped to Be” podcast, Parenting Teens, and Mom Mentoring
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I know how it feels to start over, and over and over…. Having moved 19 times over the years, creating community is hard. If you are trying to maintain friendships formed years ago in another season, trying to create new friendships in this new phase of my life, trying to get rooted into a community either in my neighborhood, my church, or my social group, I have been in your shoes. I moved to various cities for summer opportunities. I moved to start marriage. I moved to begin civilian residency training for Brad, my husband. I moved again to fulfill Air Force payback for Brad. We moved to take care of elderly loved ones. And so on…Each time I had to find the courage to create community for myself, my family, my children…I want to encourage you that it is possible, it is worth it, and by God’s grace, you can do it! Keep in mind two things:
ONE ACKNOWLEDGMENT Covid has brought us great transition and challenge in the last 18+ months. There are losses to grieve, and it is important to accept that these have changed us and affected our story. We have lost fellowship with canceled vacations, failed to find restorative time for ourselves because children are home from school, caregivers might have resigned because of risk of illness, and job situations and income may have been lost. Considering all this, it can be difficult to reach out again as the lockdowns are lifting. It may be terrifying for some of us to now intentionally serve others. So, accept the season you are in. Acknowledge the loss, then look at what you do have to offer or extend to someone else. This is critical to your survival, to your community, and to the journey that you get to share with others. HOMESCHOOL DAYS After the birth of my first two children and the miscarriage of a third between 1998 and 2003, I began to homeschool my oldest for kindergarten. I was relatively new in town, had new neighbors, and was trying to find fellowship with others who shared my faith. It became a season of hunkering down to teach my kindergartener, managing a toddler, and right after beginning to homeschool, getting pregnant again. As you can imagine, I didn’t have much luxury time to visit with other moms. I was surviving…barely finishing very full days: laundry, meals for hungry littles, learning about teaching, nausea, snacks again, cleanup, playtime then nap, dinner, fall into bed…all to enjoy those SLEEPLESS NIGHTS OF JOY. I learned how critical it was to figure out my own needs for fellowship. Just how do you find time to have lunch with a girlfriend and even finish a complete sentence without a tiny tot crying, wiping a nose, or working a cup of tea around naptime? How, with a part time job and teenagers and all their emotional needs, do you find time to pull away from the “taxicab” job to actually connect for a solid hour in person with your group of gals? I don’t think any of us would argue the value of community, why we need each other. This last year has demonstrated how isolating the lack of community can be. But it’s hard to find sometimes, isn’t it, in various seasons of life? TAKING STEPS TO COMMUNITY 1. The First Step: “Acknowledge where you are in life.” Ask Yourself - What is it you need? Do you need a deeper friend? Do you need coffee away from children? Do you need a shopping trip, or even just a shower ALONE? Do you need weekly book study? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need a new job? For myself, I think I need to stay busy, be productive, type A…Enneagram 1, you get the picture. I would rather be busy keeping house and check all the boxes than to leave things undone to go out for a few hours with someone. It might ruin the toddler’s attitude if they miss a nap, for crying out loud! Then our whole day is affected. I’d also rather keep everyone on routine than to interrupt a good night’s sleep. Sleep gets to be a commodity, right? Or now, with multiple high schoolers, it might interrupt a good homeschool day to schedule a coffee date, what with the education flowing, books being read, worksheets finished…or my volunteer work calling my name from the computer. But what I truly need is this: I need events and excitement AWAY from my house. Brad finally recognizes that. We have come to respect that about each other. Accepting the need I have has been important, and it is also helpful when your partner or loved ones respect it, too. Brad used to look at me with those puppy dog eyes when I’d leave for ANYTHING and say he’d miss me while I was gone. I actually felt guilty going anywhere by myself. I love a good adventure, and when spontaneity strikes, I cannot wait to jump in the car. And if I can’t go somewhere exciting once in a while, I’m going to go crazy. I learned, however, it would help me be a better mom, wife, and teacher, and they would be much happier if I could get that need met for myself. I must be intentional about planning it just for me. Even if the housework is calling my name. Even if my family of introverts is not interested. It will be life-giving for me to get out, for me to make the effort of making a date with a friend because of the fruit it produces in my life afterward. It’s so worth it. 2. The Second Step: Ask “What part of life’s journey, what season, are you in?”
I used to be in a season of young parenting, needing some outside mom connection for the kids, maybe some adult conversation for me. I am now in a season of young adult parenting, with lots more time on my hands. My needs have changed somewhat. I now have independent learners who can manage school or work alone while I go to a meeting or get out of the house. Now I feel like connecting professionally with other women would be exciting. But I also still deeply need to have a heart connection with someone in the same season of life that I am in. I’ll never forget December 2011. We had just moved to Virginia in March, and it was time to do Christmas shopping for family (who lived back in the South) and also for my four children, ages 4-12. I begged my brand, new neighbor if she could watch my youngest two, the girls, for just two hours so I could do a Christmas shopping blitz. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to ask for help. It turned out my neighbor had three boys. She absolutely loved that one babysitting stint, as it gave her a precious memory of having tea with two little girls that afternoon – while I GOT SHOPPING DONE! She and I have become great friends and rely on each other for a myriad of things now. This is a huge point I want you to remember. It’s uncomfortable to ask for help, but so very worth it. I heard a quote last month by Dr. Joseph Lee on a recent virtual conference. He said it’s “…okay to recognize that we will have a lifelong need of help.” What do you need from community? God created us to need and serve one another. Galatians 6:2 says, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." I had a very practical need years ago. Freshly grieving my first miscarriage, an elder’s wife in my church called and asked if I needed anything. I didn’t know what to say that week. I had no idea what anyone could do to help me. But I took a huge risk and answered her honestly. I needed food. I needed dinner made for me. So, I ASKED. She was grateful to have something tangible to do for me, and I was humbled to ask, yet grateful she said yes. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have told that story – a young, grieving mom, unable to cook dinner. It makes me cry just writing this down. But we have to ask for help. This creates opportunities for friendships to blossom! BORROW AN EGG Susan Miller, in her book, After the Boxes are Unpacked, says to “Borrow an Egg.” If you are trying to create community and you don’t know your neighbor, find something you DON’T have, and go next door and ask for it! Be intentional and ask their name, how they are doing, but can I borrow an egg, or a stick of butter, or a cup of sugar? It is the best advice I ever got. It helps you get over the fear of reaching out with embarrassment and instead puts the power into your hand of offering friendship. Asking for an egg is so practical, but guess what you can do with it? You can plant seeds for a relationship. You can begin a friendship! And once you are done baking, share some of it with that neighbor!
(Nan Harrington originally shared this testimony at the Women’s Ministry Tea & Testimony event in November or 2021) Ephesians 2:10 tells us: “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” (NKJV) My husband and I have been at the chapel for about 21 years. We are empty nesters and raised four children, three who still walk this earth and one who’s with Jesus in His mansion (John 14:2-3). I enjoy serving and like to help people. I think this is the way God made me. Psalm 139:16 says “Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book, they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.” (NKJV) God has brought events into my life that have shaped me and given me the desire to serve others. Last year, a week before Christmas, my husband had surgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. We would be in Baltimore about a week and knew no one. A couple here at the chapel had friends in Baltimore and put us in touch with each other. Our new Baltimore friends were a Godsend to us. They volunteered to pick up groceries for us (so I sent them a list), they brought us meals, brought Christmas decorations for our hotel room, magazines to read, a card of encouragement, transported us to and from the hospital, prayed with us when they dropped the groceries and meals, prayed with me over the phone on Johnnie’s surgery day and while he was in the hospital. On December 23rd we checked out of our hotel and our Baltimore friend insisted on taking us to the train station and wait till we boarded. I told her she could just drop us and we’d be fine but she kindly, but firmly said “no I’ll wait”. AND I am glad she did because Johnnie began not feeling well while we were waiting. We decided to take him to the Emergency Room so I canceled our train tickets, our friend got her car, we loaded back up and headed to the ER and got him checked in and then left because COVID policy wouldn’t allow me to stay. About 9pm our Baltimore friend and I went to the ER to pick Johnnie up, it ended up he was okay and was able to travel. Because it was late, we spent the night with our Baltimore friends and because they strongly desired that she drive us back to NN, we made a plan for her to drive us halfway to Kings Dominion where my sister and daughter would meet us. So, Christmas Eve we left Baltimore at 10am with our new, generous, kind Baltimore friend who was hosting a family dinner that night and helping international friends celebrate Christmas the next day, sacrificed a good part of her day for us. This was all in the midst of COVID. They associated with strangers, even inviting us to spend the night in their home and fed us. And if that wasn’t enough, her husband had outpatient surgery the day after Johnnie’s surgery so she was caring for her husband also. All this was God’s doing! In 2011 my youngest daughter Kerry, who battled Cystic Fibrosis, died at Duke University Medical Center NC from complications of transplant surgery. We spent a year at Duke, my husband and I taking turns two to three months at a time as her caregiver. While in Durham we were served by so many people—some we knew and some we did not know. It began with our neighbor who had a niece in Durham who had a friend who had a mother-in-law suite that she let Duke patients and/or their family use at no charge. These ladies went to church together and others from their church joined in ministering to us---praying for us, bringing meals, visiting to see how we were doing. Even people we knew years’ prior from our previous church who relocated to NC got wind of what was going on with Kerry and came to visit or called and their churches prayed for us. Friends from PCC came to visit also---twenty-somethings, friends of Kerry and her husband went out of their way to visit, friends from my and Johnnie’s homegroup came to visit; plus, cards & notes from Summit Christian Academy, PCC-ers, family and friends were received in addition to prayers. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble (tribulation) with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (NKJV)”. Two weeks ago, Garrett asked Johnnie and me to speak about the miracle God did in our troubled marriage in the years before and immediately after Kerry’s death. We were glad to share! During our struggle, close friends in the Body of Christ ministered to us. A small group of guys kept Johnnie close without condemnation. I had a couple of close girlfriends who listened and encouraged me. As a result, we are always glad to share our story of the miracle God did in us and our marriage AND we are always glad to meet with someone who needs a listening ear. In 2017 after working 24 years in customer service, I got to retire! So now God has given me plenty of time to serve Him! And I do so joyfully!!! Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” (NKJV) We have examples of service from Jesus’ life. At the last supper (John 13:12-17) He washed the disciples’ feet. Recall from Matthew 20:20-28 and Mark 10:35-45 the question posed by James and John requesting to sit on the right hand and left hand of Jesus in glory and His reply to them: “whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant.” Jesus goes on to say that He “did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” I’m also blessed to have an example of service in my parents. After they retired, they ministered to the homebound in their church by visiting in nursing homes and praying with people they knew and people they didn’t know. My mom, now a widow, says she has a “card and note ministry” and writes notes of encouragement to friends, fellow residents and staff in her retirement community. We also have examples of servanthood ministry here in our own church. Well, as I said, I enjoy serving. I’m a “behind the scenes” kind of person. Sign Up Geniuses are my kryptonite! I gladly sign up to provide food, a meal, to help set up and help clean up. Sometimes it’s easy for me to overcommit when those Sign-Up Geniuses or emails for rides and visits come. I just want to sign up without thinking through what the commitment entails. In doing so I might slight my husband or my time with the Lord. So, I make a conscious effort now to look at the Sign-Up Genius or email, look at my calendar, and talk with my husband before signing up. It’s okay if the request doesn’t mesh with my schedule, God will see that the need is met. I enjoy driving someone to an appointment, visiting someone at home or in the hospital, praying for and with people, dropping a card or note to someone, attending PCC WM Bible study, doing discipleship with other women. Some of these activities take me out of my comfort zone like discipling a younger woman, or driving someone I may not know or know well to an appointment or visiting someone I may not know or know well. But afterward I’m glad I ventured out of my comfort zone! I want to say it’s not dependent on me but on God---He has given the words, the conversation; He has made the friendships. From Fall 2017 till June 2019, I was in a discipleship relationship with a young mom until the USAF moved she and her family out of the area. We met weekly on Friday mornings for about an hour. She and I along with her two toddlers walked, quizzed each other on our scripture memory verse, talked about our week and prayed. This was a sweet time in which I made a new friend and grew spiritually too. I had never done this before; it was out of my comfort zone but I’m glad I said yes when approached about discipling a young mom. Even though she’s far away now, we still keep in touch, we pray for each other, and I send cards and stickers to the children on birthdays and holidays. She tells me the children, now 6, 5, and 3-year-old twins, still talk about the times we had together. Writing cards and notes has its rewards too---recipients have thanked me and told me how much they appreciated the thoughtful gesture or that the card came at a time they needed encouragement. Two who have been homebound have written me back which just thrilled my heart and another told me receiving my cards was like getting a hug! Also delivering the Sign-Up Genius meals to those having short term difficulty is always a blessing to my husband and me---to meet someone we may not know or know well, hearing them express how grateful they are and how this helps them during the difficult time and is an opportunity for my husband and me to pray for them. In closing, Psalm 105:1-2 (NKJV) tells us “Oh give thanks to the Lord! Call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples! Talk of all His wondrous works!”
When I was a new Christian, I used to clear off the passenger seat of my car and imagine Jesus was riding next to me. Sometimes I’d even reach out my right hand and imagine that He was there holding it in His. Holy Imagination. I’m not using the word “imagination” in the make-believe sense. 2 Corinthians 4:18 says the Lord is preparing for us “an eternal weight of glory as we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen.” Our use of holy imagination doesn’t make things up but looks for ways to bring spiritual realities into view; it looks for the symbols of this world that the Word spoke into being to remind us of what truly is. I love birds. And living here in the Tidewater area of Virginia provides ample opportunities to see them in all their variety and majesty. Thinking about the Lord’s delight in creating everything from the hummingbird to the bald eagle, from the common duck to the great blue heron amazes me to think of the endlessness of His creativity in just one kind of animal type. (I happen to know a biology professor who finds himself constantly awestruck about the variety of bugs crawling around on this earth. I don’t really understand his fascination, but I do appreciate it!) My morning walk takes me down near a dammed-off area of the James River. It’s a haven for all kinds of birds. My favorite, though, is the great blue heron. Years ago, as I watched them glide across the water, or swoop low overhead on their way into a landing, I started associating these beautiful birds with a reminder that the Lord is near. After all, I’m slow to remember and quick to forget that He promises to “never leave us nor forsake us” and making this mental association reminds me not only to praise Him for the beauty of His creation, but also to talk with him about the day ahead, the concerns of my heart and pray for those who are in need. There are other ways that holy imagination points me to Truth. In the spring as the trees start to bloom, I’m reminded of rebirth. In the summers, when it’s 100 degrees, the crepe myrtles in their array of colors remind me that even in the scorching heat of trial, there is beauty. In the fall, as the trees turn glorious shades of gold and red, the Lord reminds me that though this life comes to an end, there’s still joy to be had. Finally even in winter, as the bare trees stretch their arms up toward the heavens, I can almost hear them groaning in eager longing to be set free from their bondage to corruption. (Romans 8:19-22), encouraging me to look forward to That Day as well. Scripture uses metaphor – word pictures – in many ways: lions, harvesting, roiling waters and rocky soil to name but a few. The same Word who breathed all Scripture, also spoke all things into existence. May we – may I – not miss the pointers to Himself that He’s put in front of us.
Fall tends to make me think about endings. As the leaves start to turn and the weather cools down, it’s a reminder to me that winter is coming. And in my fall melancholy, the change of seasons from fall to winter remind me that all things come to an end. There are many different kinds of endings that we face in this life. Children go off to college and the time of being parents in the day-to-day ends. A job to another part of the country or world brings a season to a close. Parents decline, age and pass on. A season of health changes when illness strikes; the loss of a job brings an end to a season of prosperity; a friendship fades and ends, leaving only bittersweet memories. While all these scenarios are realities over the course of a life, I was struck this morning by Psalm 71 which addresses some of the fears we face in the aging process. “Do not cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent.” (v 9) The author of the accompanying commentary noted the wisdom of the psalmist’s honest cry. To dwell on these fears, on the one hand is to admit one’s fright; alternately, to suppress thoughts of the possibility of loneliness and infirmity in aging is an even more unhealthy way of dealing with the fear. The Psalmist, however, gives us a third way to deal with the endings we’ll face in this life – whether it be physical death or a change in circumstance. “You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.” (v20) Notice first that there’s an acknowledgement of the pain, hardship and trauma he has faced AND the Lord’s sovereign Hand over what he has experienced, “You who have made me see….” Notice, though, that there’s no bitterness in the Psalmist’s words. Instead, his difficulties birth hope – and it’s not some nebulous hope for a better day tomorrow. It’s resurrection hope! There’s the certainty that he will be revived, but even more, brought up from the “depths of the earth.” It might be easy to read that last phrase as a metaphor, but I have a feeling that the Spirit who inspired these words meant much more: a physical, bodily resurrection. And that’s where I end on these late fall days when winter is just around the corner, when it looks like good things are ending and my infirmities are growing. It’s in these moments that I fight for the light and momentary perspective on a melancholy mood or an achy joint, or, more significantly, the loss of a friend. “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Cor 4:17-18) In all these endings, there is the certain promise of a new beginning, in a place where endings shall be no more.
I have four grandsons and they are all my favorites. The youngest, who just turned nine is a fiery little redhead who lives life at 200 percent and is uncannily wise. Often Will will ask me to come and watch him building his latest architectural creation in Minecraft. He's rather good at design and creativity -- or in Grandmother speak: "Amazing!" He asks me for input and rolls his eyes when I want to add window boxes and shutters. But we do agree on the vegetable gardens and ponds. He's actually quite good. The other day he had been working hard on his latest creation for quite a while and took a break to play his mouth organ (harmonica). He's just beginning, but has -- well, "flourish." "So, how do you like my playing?" he asked. "Well, in what way?" I responded. "If one is terrible and ten is great, what number would you give me?" I thought about this for a while, because clearly, he has a long way to go. "Five," I said! He looked at me- at first surprised and then with a big smile. "Thank you for being honest, Shosho." (Shosho is what my grandsons call me). "I'm glad you said five because that is about right. And it's the truth." "And is that a surprise?" I asked. "Well, you're my Shosho and I know you love me, but sometimes I think it's not the best that you always say I'm wonderful and what I do is amazing --because that's not really true. When I go to school and think I'm totally amazing but I see that my friends and other kids don't think so, I could be really confused and upset. I'm not great at everything, but sometimes you make me think I am. So it's better that you tell me the truth." Yikes! I thought to myself. I'm 72 and he's nine, and he just nailed it. One important component of love is respect that thinks enough of the other to tell the truth. I must admit, I pondered this for a bit. He was right. "You, know, Will," I said, "You are right, and I will try better to respect you enough to tell you the hard truth, even when it's hard. But I do have one caveat -- I can always play the Grandmother card when the situation calls for it. Because you are an amazing grandson." "Shosho!!!" he said and rolled his eyes and hugged me.
I was recently asked to share some thoughts at a baby shower for a new mom who is unexpectedly beginning motherhood in the NICU. I love a good alliteration and so these 3 G’s came to mind as I reflected on motherhood as a fellow, former NICU mom: GRIEF, GROAN, and GLORY. First, GRIEF. No one anticipates motherhood beginning in the NICU. No woman dreams of being wheeled onto a unit, meeting a tiny child covered in tubes and lines, living inside a box. A mother dreams of holding her baby. Bonding. Feeding her baby. Lying her child in a crib. Having a baby shower BEFORE the birth of her baby. Expectations and dreams of motherhood are often not realized until they are not met, and the sting of this is felt profoundly as you sit at a NICU bedside, holding back tears, trying to cope with the trauma you’re experiencing. Grief is real and wields its accompanying emotions at unexpected times and in unexpected ways. Which leads me to a second G, GROAN. Not only do we groan, but all of creation groans in this fallen world. Pregnancy complications and premature births are evidence that this world is not as it should be – evidence that we are eagerly awaiting a Savior to return and establish His Kingdom, ushering in the new order. The former things will pass away – sin, suffering, pain, and grief. No more tears. No more hospitals. No more IVs or ventilators. No more loneliness or mom guilt. And as you await that day, our coming King invites you to pour your tears out before Him. To know that in Christ you have access to groan before your Heavenly Father. In your GRIEF and in your GROANING, there is the GLORY, my third G. GLORY belongs to God, and one of the great mysteries of motherhood (and really all of life) is that God is glorified in and through the grief and groans of His people. God is glorified when we find our hope in Him as we suffer. And God is glorified when His people reflect His love for one another in community, coming alongside one another in joy and in sorrow. May you know the Father’s love in the lonely, joyful, sad, uncertain, exciting, bittersweet moments to come in motherhood. Rejoice in the godly women who surround you and want to love you well. Invite them to come alongside you in motherhood… when you have much to celebrate, when you need tangible help, when you feel misunderstood and lonely, when a new milestone surprises you with joy and laughter, when an unexpected diagnosis is given… Fellow NICU mom, our Father is sufficient for your grief and your groaning. To Him be the glory.
Can discipleship be simple? Yes! There’s been a lot of talk about discipleship lately at PCC, and I want to provide you with a simple “roadmap“ to have discipleship meetings with someone. Simple can be defined as “easily understood or done“ and “uncomplicated in form”. I know I am more likely to do something If I feel competent and confident in it, and simple is best. Also, something that is simple will more likely be reproduced by other people, therefore helping disciples to make other disciples. So, here is the roadmap. I didn’t create it; just the messenger. Break the discipleship meeting into 3/3s in this order:
Look back:
Look up:
Look ahead:
I truly hope this helps you to disciple others. This simple, biblical, and reproducible method has created many disciples around the world. I’d love to encourage you in this and pray for you and your disciples; please email me at marydavidnyc@hotmail.com to connect. AuthorMary David is the pseudonym for a global worker from PCC. She enjoys spending time with her family, sharing the Gospel, and watching God work. We know the term. We use the jargon in Christian circles. But do we know what discipleship is and why we value it as important? Do we value it as important? Do we see it as a call on each of our lives, or do we think it’s only something that other, stronger, more experienced, (fill-in-the-blank) believers do? What keeps us from it? Being in full-time college ministry for seven years now, and being heavily involved in college ministry as a student for four years prior, discipleship has been a regular and important part of my life. I’ve so valued being poured into by older women, and I have cherished memories of pouring my own life into dozens of women through discipleship over the years. (I even gushed about my love for it on a recent instagram post.) Yet, if I’m being honest, I’ve been discouraged at the lack of value of discipleship in the local church. (I will say though, as a newcomer to PCC, I’m so refreshed and encouraged at how discipleship is valued, discussed regularly, and implemented well.) My recent instagram post caused me to poll followers by asking, “If you’re not presently discipling someone, what is your #1 reason as to why?” Answers included themes of not having enough time, not knowing how or where to start, or not knowing enough to lead someone else. If you’re falling prey to these fears, I hope these thoughts will give you hope & encouragement: 1. Discipleship is for you. The call of the Great Commission (Matt. 28:18:20) is not optional, but a requirement, for believers. The same is true of discipleship. They’re one and the same (literally in the same verse). We answer the call of the Great Commission by making disciples, and by making disciples, we answer the call of the Great Commission. There are prerequisites, sure. But they are not unattainable or excessive. Professing faith in Christ yourself prior to investing in someone else and teaching them to follow Him is certainly the most solid place to start. ;) But endless theological knowledge is not required. A seminary degree isn’t necessary. Tons of hours of free time is not mandatory. Simply taking the initiative to invest in someone else, depending on the Holy Spirit along the way, to share your story, life, and wisdom with someone else is enough. Through God’s Word, you have been given everything you need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3, and with His very Spirit indwelling you as a believer, He will do the work He intends to do (and in the life of the one you’re meeting with). All authority in heaven and on earth is Christ’s, and that enables us to go and make disciples. In her book Spiritual Mothering, Susan Hunt gives a working definition of the discipleship/mentoring relationship: “When a woman possessing faith and spiritual maturity enters into a nurturing relationship with a younger woman in order to encourage and equip her to live for God’s glory.” She also adds this comment, which I love: “Please note that giving birth biologically or being of a certain chronological age are not prerequisites for spiritual mothering.” Paul was single with no children, but he was a spiritual father if there ever was one. He invested in and cared deeply for Timothy, even referring to him as his “true child in the faith” and his “beloved child” (1 Tim. 1:2; 2 Tim. 1:2). We know that God grows His family through the regeneration of souls, and that’s something we can each participate in. I want to pass the baton well to those I’m investing in, and I know I need the wisdom of those who have gone before me. Let me speak for myself and other 20-something females when I say to the older women of various other life stages: we need you. 2. Simple is better than elaborate or flashy. The Enemy will make you feel like the small things don’t matter. Yet that’s the way of the Kingdom, isn’t it? The way of weakness and surrender, allowing the Holy Spirit Himself to work in and through us in the lives of other believers. When I was in college and was a student leader in my campus ministry, a woman on staff invested in me. Her name is Debbie. She certainly was discipling her own high school-aged kids, but she spiritually mothered me and many others, too. The moments that are the most cherished from my times with Debbie are when she would pick me up at my apartment and we’d go get a treat at McDonalds in my small college town. Or the times she’d have me over and would always make popcorn. I remember eating so many napkin-fulls of popcorn on her couch. I also remember crying on that same couch as I poured out my heart to her when I faced various challenges. I remember her simple statements like, “Jocelyn, just pray that the Lord would make your heart soft and pliable, and that you would gain a heart of wisdom from this.” We’d open the Word together, and I learned so many things from her decades of walking with the Lord. I wanted to know Jesus like she did. I remember her saying, “Hey, I think you should lead a freshman girls’ Bible study during your senior year. I think you would be good at it and enjoy it.” If it weren’t for Debbie taking the time to invest in me and point out a potential gifting, I might not have seen it myself. I might not be able to sit here and tell you that leading other women in Bible study and Biblical literacy is now the thing I’m most passionate about. I stem that back to Debbie. Sure, a life can be impacted at a big conference with flashy lights or from hearing someone on a platform. But those people on the platforms don’t know me, and I don't know them. We’re not in the nitty gritty with each other. I would argue that true life change comes from one-on-one, eyeball-to-eyeball moments, with conversations over the open Word (& maybe some popcorn or chocolate chip cookies). 3. We get to participate in something eternally significant that is bigger than us and has been happening since the beginning. One of my favorite books on discipleship is Chasing Infinity by Mark Liederbach. He takes readers from Genesis to Revelation to show the bigger picture of true discipleship. We’re all image-bearers, meant to be worshippers who reflect our God as the ultimate treasure. As we know though, our worship has become distorted, and therefore the mission and the things that we chase. Yet through the power of the Gospel, we get to redeem the chase. In making disciples, both in communicating the Gospel to those who don’t know Him and further investing in those who do already know Him, the mission and purpose of our lives is being restored. We have been reconciled to God and we tell and show others how to do the same. (2 Corinthians 5:17-21) As we’re in this well-worth-it chase together, glorifying our Creator, let’s look to the ones who are running ahead, grab ahold of the baton, and pass it strongly to those who are behind us. As we “teach others to observe all that [He] commanded,” let us be sure that we ourselves are to be disciples of His Word, not looking to lesser pursuits or watered-down content. The investment of all of this is well worth it. Some helpful reads:
*trigger warning for those who have had a miscarriage or have lost a child. Two weeks ago, we lost our third child to a miscarriage. That is not a line of our story I ever thought I would have to write. And I am sure you are thinking at this point that you didn’t even know that I was pregnant. We were on the verge of sharing publicly when everything changed. We had kept the secret for weeks. A few very close friends knew that we were expecting (we have always told close friends as soon as possible, if the unthinkable would ever happen…who knew we would actually live it). As a photographer, I went to family sessions, pregnancy announcement sessions, maternity sessions, even weddings where no one knew I was pregnant. And I was dying to tell everyone. I wanted people to know that my growing belly wasn’t extra Covid weight! We waited and waited to announce. We told family, friends, and eventually our children. We knew I was roughly 8 weeks along. (Some of you are thinking, well that is still early to tell people, but we had two completely healthy pregnancies before, and my belly was starting to show more and more.) Our families were excited, our kids were thrilled. We bought them “Big Sister” and “Big Brother” shirts. Leland (2) was telling people, “baby in mommy’s tummy.” Kylie (4) was talking to my belly and picking out special items in our house for the baby. We were already thinking of names, thinking through bunk beds and our kids sharing a room, and I even booked a maternity session with a photographer I had been eyeing for a while. We were all in love with the new baby and already making future plans. The one thing holding us back from announcing publicly was my doctor’s appointment. I went to my first appointment, and everything was normal until they did the ultrasound. The baby was growing; it was the right size for the number of weeks, but the baby’s heart was beating abnormally. They told me to come back again the next day to see the ultrasound technician and to get another ultrasound. That was the quietest appointment I have ever had. As soon as the ultrasound picture showed up, the technician and I both knew that the baby didn’t have a heartbeat. She didn’t say anything and neither did I. After that I had to call my husband, text my friends, and tell my parents and children that we had, in fact, lost our third child. Telling our children was the hardest thing I had to do. Leland didn’t completely understand what happened. Kylie had a really hard time with the news. I had to tell them with tears streaming down my face, that the baby had gone to heaven to see God. Kylie’s (sweet girl) reply was that I needed to tell Daddy (Daniel) to talk to God and to tell God that the baby didn’t need to be in heaven. After the emotional roller coaster of telling everyone that we knew that we were expecting that we had lost the child, I then had to face what my body was going to do. Unfortunately, your body does the same thing it does after having a healthy baby- it contracts, delivers, and has a long postpartum healing process (on top of the strong emotions of losing a child). Why am I sharing all this? Honestly, I was that person at one point who just didn’t understand or sympathize with women who had experienced this type of loss. I just didn’t get it. My brain and heart never understood the physical and emotional hurt that happens when you have a miscarriage. The Lord is teaching me a lot of compassion for those families who have experienced this type of brokenness. For a lot of families, they are excited for the new life that is growing, they are dreaming of the future, and to hear that your baby, who once had life, is no longer living is heartbreaking. I also think miscarriages are a “hidden” experience. It is not talked about openly, like women might share their labor stories. But my husband and I don’t want this to be a hidden experience for our family. I am also sharing because we ultimately know that the Lord is in control. When I went into my second appointment, the phrase “cloud of witnesses” (Heb 12:1) came to mind. We had a “cloud of witnesses” praying for us and over us. As I sent text message after text message, I knew that we had a “cloud of witnesses” again praying for us. And as I told our kids that the baby was heaven, the words, “the Lord is in control,” came right out of my mouth as though the Holy Spirit was leading me with each and every word I spoke to our children. So, Baby Flamingo (nicknamed by our 4-year-old…because the baby needed a pretty name and she liked the name flamingo…) was the one that we lost.
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